You
I need to get a hold of the checklist of questions that the dude asked me when I applied to be a sole trader in the UK. It was like,
“Who pays people you employ?”
“I do.”
“Is there anyone else who handles payments?”
“No.”
“Who does the marketing for your business?”
“I do.”
“Is there anyone else who handles marketing for your business?”
“No.”
“Who produces products and services for your business?”
“I do.”
“Is there anyone else who helps you produce products and services for your business?”
“No.”
“If you were unable to do this work, would there be someone who could do this work for you?”
“No.”
You get the idea. It was a sobering moment. When I walked out of that office, I realized how alone I was. Was there anyone to help me? Of course! I’ve gotten so much help to get to where I am today, so much help. But if I got sick, was there anyone to help me continue my business? No. Was there anyone who I could call to deliver that workshop or teach that class or install that exhibition or edit that podcast? Maybe… if the institutions I work for have the capacity and funding… otherwise, no.
At the end of the day, I’m the only one steering my ship. If I let go of my wheel, it’s going down. I can definitely let go of my wheel sometimes. The pandemic has significantly slowed the pace of my career in ways that are worrying but better for my mental and physical health… But, if I step away for too long, it’s going down. There is no one who will step in and save my ship, and I have to proceed forward knowing that.
I’m thinking about two moments in my interviews with Gregory Bae and Leah Capaldi. When speaking about the importance of a network, and the importance of finding people who, “allow you opportunities… [and] help you to sustain and to keep living as an artist”[i], Greg also noted that,
… there is a certain amount of like your own, like, volition, your own kind of ambition that you have to carry, but you know, you need to be able to find support, and a network or something that's going to help you achieve these things. And if you don't have that network, then you're going to have a much more difficult life, frankly.[ii]
And while I was talking to Leah and we were talking about how, “space is so important for artists”[iii], she said,
I've always thought that it's like an alchemy, like making artwork is almost like (it sounds so romantic and daft to say this) but it's, it’s almost like mystical. You make this show, you have this practice, and it's all held together by you. Like you're the glue that puts these materials and ideas together to create a piece of work. And it's, it's hard. It's really hard to do that. And to do that well. And to do that in an interesting way.[iv]
We are the glue that holds our materials and ideas and shows and practice together. We do that alone, and while it is important to have a community, like Greg said, “there is a certain amount of your own… volition, your own kind of ambition that you have to carry”[v].
I had spoken to Merve Ünsal about how she updates her will regularly before I interviewed her, and so when we spoke, I asked her to talk about it again. She said that,
I, for me, it's a way of empowering myself, because I think one of the things that like, happens in the art world or art ecosystem or the world, whatever you want to call it, is that, you know, people only get to make demands when they're successful, or they're when they're in positions of power, right? So, as an emerging artist, you show wherever they want you to show up, or you go wherever. And so there's this lack of choice. And then there's like, the sweet moments in there at some point when like, you get to have agency. And the reason I write my will and publish it and think about it all the time, and I talk about it all the time, also in public situations, is that I have the ability to make those decisions all the time. And I think about these things all the time. The fact that I don't get to maybe exert it, or like the fact that I don't get to act it out doesn't mean that I don't have full awareness of all the things that I am.[vi]
It seems deeply important to be fully aware of all of the things that you are, even when you don’t always get to act it out, because you’re the glue that’s holding everything together, you’re the one who has to carry your ambition, you’re the one steering your ship.
Talking to Gordon Hall about what an art education can give you (in addition to a ton of debt for both Gordon and I), Gordon said,
I wouldn’t trade in my experience of V.C.S. for anything, personally. In terms of the way it helped me, like, develop as a thinker, and as an artist (nobody’s paying me to say this, by the way), you know, and ultimately that’s what being an artist is to me, it means I am excited living in my own mind forever. My best companion is, like, in the world of my studio.[vii]
So even though we are alone, how can we be our own best companions?
Kelly Lloyd
[i] “Interview with Gregory Bae” Kelly Lloyd. February 9, 2021. https://www.thisthingwecallart.com/podcast/gregory-bae
[ii] Ibid.
[iii] “Interview with Leah Capaldi” Kelly Lloyd. March 3, 2021. https://www.thisthingwecallart.com/podcast/leah-capaldi
[iv] Ibid.
[v] “Interview with Gregory Bae” Kelly Lloyd. February 9, 2021. https://www.thisthingwecallart.com/podcast/gregory-bae
[vi] “Interview with Merve Ünsal” Kelly Lloyd. April 20, 2018. https://www.thisthingwecallart.com/archive/merve-unsal
[vii] “Interview with Gordon Hall” Kelly Lloyd. February 15, 2021. https://www.thisthingwecallart.com/podcast/gordon-hall